Most federal government employees cannot be fired very easily. That is why they end up hiring so many private contractors to do the actual work. Why work if you will get paid to do whatever is fun for you? Besides, it is perfectly fine to get unearned salaries, when there no need to show a profit. In fact, if some federal agency Y fails to achieve its stated purpose y, the more reason to increase the budget to pay for the vital service imagined by congress – “It must be vital, otherwise why did we, the Mighty Congress, create agency Y in the first place?”

New Federal (Fed) agencies created by Congress (Con) may be defined abstractly as shown:

[Fed(Y) => y‘ + SEM] OR [Fed(Y) => null + SEM]

By substitution, we obtain:

Fed(Y) <=> y” + SEM

  • Where y‘ is some unplanned derivative or offshoot of the original ambiguously defined y usually achieved by hiring more private contractors that design, build, and implement systems based on a set of often vague and ill-planned requirements, and sub-goals within the Fed(Y) organization.

  • y” = [y’ OR null].

  • “null” = {} = {SAM}; null = the empty set = the set of all sets containing Smoke And Mirrors.

  • SEM = Somebody Else’s Money – just make sure Fed(Y) size increases so that sufficient numbers can be counted on to vote and insure that Con(a,b,c,…) all get re-elected next time.

  • “=>” = “implies”, “<=>” = “if and only if”

For the all important “human side” of the Fed(Y,t) (over time, t) must include:

  • Several “reorganizations” to help cover up inevitable failure to achieve. Be sure to create obscure names for each suborganization. Use plenty of TLAs (Three Letter Acronyms).

  • Plenty of charts and graphs, since the politicians have all of the smoke and mirrors reserved for themselves.

  • Several meetings, with each meeting containing:

    • Plenty of congratulatory remarks, with emphasis on the great achievements of the full-time Federal employees and the importance of the organization’s continued “success”.

    • Powerpoint slide shows that include the above-mentioned charts and graphs arranged in various orderings and degrees of detail for each meeting

    • Several bullet points thrown in for good measure is a definite “must have”. Be sure to make each bullet point “relevant” for the targeted audience. Keep it simple (or KISS for upper management – Keep it Simple “Stupid”)

A “good” way to effectively achieve most or all of the above is to make the stated goals of Fed(Y) sufficiently vague, so that y ‘ lands somewhere in the ballpark of “achieving” the vague legal-sleaze spewing out of the mouths of the deceitful politicians mouths that eager beaver “informed listeners” love to lap up while listening to these professional manipulators live on CNN or distorted even further on Fox, CBS, PBS or NBC – depending on “taste” for the less fortunate (I listen to PBS – guilty! – but at least they pretend to discuss relevant “sides” to the latest fad policies – that’s my excuse for right now… ;).

Even ranking military officers end up hiring private contractors for their body guards in Iraq! Does this mean the private contractors do a better job than the government employees even in this extreme case?

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